Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
