her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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