so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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