Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
