I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
