Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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