Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
