woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
