"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
