Ketchup is God's man juice
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
