so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
