Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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