Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
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