Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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