I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
