I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think your dad took our porno
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
