I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
