What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
