Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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