just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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