and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
