dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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