i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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