Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
