But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
