No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
