you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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