pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize