haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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