someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I could make wine with my vomit
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
