brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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