im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
