good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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