just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
