Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
