Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
