I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
