I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I die, sorry about rent.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
