im drinking this country out of the recession.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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