Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
