im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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