I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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