Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
