I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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