dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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