The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
