dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
my liver is dry heaving
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
