At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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