So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
