Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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