i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
