My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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