this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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