my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
