Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
