My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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