Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
