do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
