you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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