bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize