Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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